Dealing with Rejection: Do something about it right now
I've been rejected again. After over a year with an editor at one of my favourite publishers, the manuscript for one of my books hasn't made the cut. Surprisingly, it was a kind of enlightening experience.
Dealing with rejection is something all prospective authors are told they'll have to learn. The spike that Stephen King nailed each rejection letter to, or JK Rowling's numerous rude refusals before Harry Potter was taken up (damn those publishers must be kicking themselves now), are classic examples.
Waiting for it to happen before taking action is like going into the wilderness with the plan of figuring out how to hunt and forage once you get hungry. Luckily, there are things we can do right now to start building those survival skills.
Facts and Feelings
The most common solution that I've come across is to throw facts at the situation. "Even the best authors were rejected before they made it" (such as above), or "it's a part of the process, just keep going", or "don't take it personally". While these facts are probably true, in my experience facts take a very long time to influence feelings.
This might not be same for everyone - I know people who can, with a thought, reframe troubling situations to spin doubt into optimism. The bastards. But for me, and probably for many, emotions are the sea that my ship of consciousness floats on.
If the sea is flat and calm, I can guide my thoughts where I want. Sometimes I even convince myself that I'm in charge. Once a storm rolls in, however, I'm quickly reminded of how easily the ship can get blown off course and descend into a frenzy of cannibalism once the last weevil-riddled biscuits and curious seagulls have been eaten.
So, if facts take a long time to fortify the ship and find new crew-members, what can we do in the moment to not get sunk?
Letting Go
One tech I recommend trying is called 'Letting Go'. There's a book by David Hawkins, but it might repel a lot of people because it does dabble in what could be called magical thinking, miracles, and the New Age. Regardless, the practice is simple and free of any woo-woo. The video below gives a great summary:
The premise is that emotions need to be felt. If you suppress (consciously block), repress (unconsciously bottle up) them, or distract from them (anything and everything), they hang around even stronger and try and find a way out. Even expressing them (screaming at a wall or your nan) is a way to convert the emotion into action - another way to avoid actually feeling the emotion.
Emotions need their needs met too
It’s almost like feelings are like freakishly-strong kids needing attention. If you lock one away in the closet it's going to scream and punch its way out and make more of a scene. If you tell it to shut up or ignore it, it'll harbour resentments and come back as a vengeful adult who messes with your medications to get the inheritance early. If you try and turn it into something else (hello, positive thinking!) it'll fight back and stick to it's guns with even more firepower.
If you give it the attention it needs without judgement or impatience, if you let it be, it can say what it needs and relax. And so can you.
Crazy thing is, we already do it all the time. When we have 'good' emotions, we don't try to suppress or change them. We let them be, we enjoy their company. Then, expressed, they pass on by.
So how do you let go of feelings you don't like?
The Technique
As with all these things, it's damn simple but, damn, sometimes can it be hard.
Focus on the feelings in your body - the physical sensations that arise from the emotion.
That's it. One step. There are others you could add - such as meditations or breathing to quiet your mind a little, or to focus all your attention on your feelings rather than getting carried away by your thoughts - but the core is that one step.
I sometimes use the video below as a guided meditation to help me through the process
(woo-woo warning).
How it works
By putting all your focus on the feeling of the emotion itself, you give it the attention it needs. When you don't try and resist it, hide it, change it, or shame it, the emotion can feel fully expressed and go take a nap.
So, rejection? Let me share my story of this little journey.
The Inciting Incident
Mid-last year, one of my favourite publishers had an 'open month' where they accepted un-agented submissions. I sent in my manuscript for Dreams of the Doom-Witch and waited 9 months for them to sift through the entries.
In April, after a particularly grim night of the soul, some friends recommended the book Letting Go by David Hawkins. I started practicing. In the same month I received an email saying that my submission had made it from 1400 entries to a short-list of 170. Reinforced, I pegged my hopes on this as The Big Break that would get me across the line.
Progressive Complications
This itself was a challenge for me, a lesson to learn, as the more you grasp at something the more likely it is to run away, and the more crushed you'll be if it does. So, I started practicing letting go of these hopes and found I was more relaxed, content to see how things played out.
Over the past few months I had some email conversations with the editor reviewing my submission which brought about more nerves, hopes, and fears. For whatever reason (probably too much nicotine) I couldn't sit still with the feelings. I couldn't relax into the sensations themselves and instead got wrapped up in overthinking, grasping at it.
The Resolution
Then, yesterday, I received the email:
"you are a proficient writer, with a strong narrative voice and sense of character" but "in this situation, it simply was that the book wasn’t really to my tastes" and "the editors in our team who tend towards this genre just don’t have the capacity to take on anything new at this time."
So, as far as rejections go, that's more positive than a yoga studio. It's not my writing - just the particulars of suitability. Even so, it wasn't The Big Break.
A surge of unpleasant warmth spread through my upper chest, like some cloying pressure was trying to get out. I tensed up and my eyes darted around, as if trying to find a way out.
I left my desk, closed my eyes, and put all my attention on those feelings. I didn't try and get rid of them, or explain them away, or justify them. I just let them be. When my mind jumped to the email, to my writing, to futility, I brought it back to my body.
The warmth subsided, the pressure dropped away, and I relaxed. I felt better than I had before reading the email. I felt expanded and empty, like there was more room for me to breathe deeper into.
Listening to the Deep
This has really hit home how the process of dealing with rejection isn't just a positive affirmation to break out when it happens, but something to practice regularly. By letting go of doubts around your writing, you can create space for inspiration, creativity and fun. By letting go of your hopes, you release fixationing on outcomes.
By letting go of hard feelings when they come up you give them what they need. By making yourself emptier you create space for the storm. Then, when it comes, you can pour the rum, sing songs, and listen out for the wisdom of the Deep.
And the Deep is where all great stories come from.
